shit.

Sometimes, I really can't help but hate you this situation you've got me in.

I didn't have a choice about something that affects my life in such a huge way. God, is this really what I want? No. That's the easy answer. I DON'T WANT THIS!! I don't! I never did! But here I am. Every single day thinking about it.

The real question: is it worth it? Is it? Are you?
Every day that slips by brings me closer to what I want, but also makes me question what I was so sure about. This is the ultimate test- it shouldn't be. As if I haven't had to prove myself a thousand times before.

This was supposed to get easier. Why do you have to do this to me?

no no

So this should be obvious and it usually is to me, but he can be very persuasive. Especially when paired with alcohol. Don't send naked pictures to anyone. Sheesh.

whoa oh

Feelin' like a fatty. Ice cream and nachos for dinner, followed by guilt and some half-frozen tuna noodle salad. I need to turn the temp a little higher on the fridge. Met by his handsome face tacked up by a magnet every time I head to nosh-land. No, not done on purpose.

Other than that, life is pretty good. Massive upswing experienced less than a week ago. The cat is now eating the remnants of tuna off of the empty bowl. Will probably be cleaning up puke later. I hope it's on the tile.

Workouts will commence once feet stop swelling.
Drinking continues, although this time it's after 5pm.
Socializing taken a downswing, although I'm much too exhausted and invested in my own success for the moment to care much.

dreams

I had dreams of 50-pound swollen feet and of being trapped and cartons of mint chocolate chip ice cream in someone's freezer, and of disappointments as the wonderful things that have happened lately slowly and simultaneously unraveled and became reversed. My heart ached and this song, which I haven't heard in years, played slowly in the background, swirling and falling apart.

When I cry
I close my eyes
and every tear falls
down inside

I woke up wanting a banana split with whipped cream and sprinkles and cold, smooth, sweet vanilla with real fruit strawberry sauce.

But, of course, I'd have to get out of my pjs, brush my teeth, and go to the store for that. Not happening.

wooo

Drinkin' in the middle of the day.

The bottle just looked so cool and refreshing.

No, this doesn't make me an alcoholic- it makes me unemployed-- or on vacation. I use the two interchangeably, depending on my mood.

For example, when talking to the parentals, I'm unemployed.

When asked by the guy at the bank [who I'm totally not digging but is obviously flirting,] I'm on vacation. Shit, he can probably see that my bank account balance is laughable, but he still flirts. That either says something about my amazing good looks or his character. Meh, I'll take some flirting either way. But the guy has earrings. In both ears. Like I said, not digging it.

I wish I had a pool. That makes drinking in the middle of the day seem more like a vacation, when compared to sitting on my couch watching shitty daytime tv.

S-E-X

I miss sex.

That's one thing, damn that man was (is?) good at it. I keep talking about him in the past, I guess because there's not really a present to go by. Can't figure out which one to use.

I also wish I could get rid of this massive headache, which made me think of sex in the first place - great for headaches.

Oh yeah, and tomorrow- for sure- I will go to the gym.