me

= on my couch, drinking the second glass of wine.

Mulling around these thoughts in my head.

I really need to make new friends. Or something.

Gwen

I have this friend. She shall be called... Gwen. She and I have been friends since we were 16. Not super close friends, but friendly friends. She is a very sweet person with a big heart.

First a little background. I have a food allergy, and sometimes it's hard to find foods that I can eat.

So anyway. She does this thing. She randomly buys me foods that are specifically made to omit the offending allergen. Usually when they are on clearance or on sale. Which is pretty awesome.

Except. She (usually) doesn't ask me before she buys them, and when she brings them over, she expects me to fork over cash for them. Now I don't know about you, but when I randomly buy something for someone, I just count it as a gift, something to say, "I was thinking of you and thought you might enjoy it." Especially if the recipient didn't ask for it.

On top of that, she is notorious for being that friend that drops by unexpectedly. Without warning. And she doesn't see anything wrong with it.
I feel that it's common courtesy to give someone a call and make sure it's ok to come over before you just start pounding on someone's door. With a kid in tow.

Then, she doesn't just do a quick drop-off (and unabashedly collect the cash). She wants to hang out for a while. With a toddler that she doesn't exactly discipline, wandering around in an un-child-proofed house. She thinks it's cute when her kid gets into people's shit.

And in the meantime, I have had plans to start dinner, or laze around in my underwear and drink coffee at 10am Sunday morning (which she has recently intruded upon), or take a shower, or whatever the hell I feel like doing.

I've tried telling her that I'm not in a very sociable mood when she comes over, and being a little rude, but it's hard to do that when she's come bearing "gifts" and she feels like she is doing something nice.

I've told her that I'd prefer a phone call before she comes over, but more often than not, I'm forced to shut all the curtains, lock all the doors, and hide in my bathroom or crouched behind the couch when she comes a-knockin'.

Lovely, huh?

shit.

Sometimes, I really can't help but hate you this situation you've got me in.

I didn't have a choice about something that affects my life in such a huge way. God, is this really what I want? No. That's the easy answer. I DON'T WANT THIS!! I don't! I never did! But here I am. Every single day thinking about it.

The real question: is it worth it? Is it? Are you?
Every day that slips by brings me closer to what I want, but also makes me question what I was so sure about. This is the ultimate test- it shouldn't be. As if I haven't had to prove myself a thousand times before.

This was supposed to get easier. Why do you have to do this to me?

no no

So this should be obvious and it usually is to me, but he can be very persuasive. Especially when paired with alcohol. Don't send naked pictures to anyone. Sheesh.

whoa oh

Feelin' like a fatty. Ice cream and nachos for dinner, followed by guilt and some half-frozen tuna noodle salad. I need to turn the temp a little higher on the fridge. Met by his handsome face tacked up by a magnet every time I head to nosh-land. No, not done on purpose.

Other than that, life is pretty good. Massive upswing experienced less than a week ago. The cat is now eating the remnants of tuna off of the empty bowl. Will probably be cleaning up puke later. I hope it's on the tile.

Workouts will commence once feet stop swelling.
Drinking continues, although this time it's after 5pm.
Socializing taken a downswing, although I'm much too exhausted and invested in my own success for the moment to care much.

dreams

I had dreams of 50-pound swollen feet and of being trapped and cartons of mint chocolate chip ice cream in someone's freezer, and of disappointments as the wonderful things that have happened lately slowly and simultaneously unraveled and became reversed. My heart ached and this song, which I haven't heard in years, played slowly in the background, swirling and falling apart.

When I cry
I close my eyes
and every tear falls
down inside

I woke up wanting a banana split with whipped cream and sprinkles and cold, smooth, sweet vanilla with real fruit strawberry sauce.

But, of course, I'd have to get out of my pjs, brush my teeth, and go to the store for that. Not happening.

wooo

Drinkin' in the middle of the day.

The bottle just looked so cool and refreshing.

No, this doesn't make me an alcoholic- it makes me unemployed-- or on vacation. I use the two interchangeably, depending on my mood.

For example, when talking to the parentals, I'm unemployed.

When asked by the guy at the bank [who I'm totally not digging but is obviously flirting,] I'm on vacation. Shit, he can probably see that my bank account balance is laughable, but he still flirts. That either says something about my amazing good looks or his character. Meh, I'll take some flirting either way. But the guy has earrings. In both ears. Like I said, not digging it.

I wish I had a pool. That makes drinking in the middle of the day seem more like a vacation, when compared to sitting on my couch watching shitty daytime tv.

S-E-X

I miss sex.

That's one thing, damn that man was (is?) good at it. I keep talking about him in the past, I guess because there's not really a present to go by. Can't figure out which one to use.

I also wish I could get rid of this massive headache, which made me think of sex in the first place - great for headaches.

Oh yeah, and tomorrow- for sure- I will go to the gym.

bore me

Why is it that whenever someone gets really drunk the night before, they think it is necessary to tell you exactly what they drank, how many of each, and in what order? Because honestly, I don't think anyone really cares.

awkward

I went to an awkward wedding today. It was kind of a "friend-of-a-friend" thing. The groom is best friends with my best friend's husband. We'll call her Agnes. I think the only reason I was invited was to keep Agnes company, because I'm not close to either the bride or the groom.

The bride is kind of an unfriendly, controlling bitch. I only say "kind of" because I've never gotten the chance to know her because she comes off as an unfriendly, controlling bitch. In a subtle way. It's nothing personal towards me or her, it's just the dynamic of how she acts. I know you know the kind of girl I'm talking about.

Anyway, I sat through a boring and beautiful at the same time Catholic mass, then headed over to the reception with Agnes. The bride and groom made their way over to where we were sitting. I started to tell her how beautiful she looked, when in the middle of my sentence she broke eye contact with me and started talking to someone else. Um, okay? That was wierd, but I guess it's her wedding, she doesn't have to be polite.

Then, the toasts were awkward because both the maid of honor and the best man admitted in their speeches that they don't know the groom/bride very well but wish them happiness.

Isn't it a bad sign when your best friends don't know the person you just married? I could never marry someone who my family and friends didn't know on a significant level. It just blows my mind.

I really do hope that the new couple is very happy together, even though there are ominous signs...